Well, I know that animals feel fear, grief, sadness, depression, joy, mischeviousness, contentment, love, etc. Why not regret?

I was talking to the prez. of the club today. I've known her for as long as I've been attending/been tresurer and OHMYGOD!!! If I just didn't find out something soo weird today.

She's heard me talk about my ex before...but never by name. I told her his name today and it turns out they had dated back when he was about seventeen! It was just too weird. Neither of us know what to do, more like a 'holy shit, that was HIM?!?!' kind of thing. I filled her in on what he'd been up to (trouble, and not much else) and we joked about going to the bar he works at after we'd been to a play party in full gear. That would be hilarious.

But yeah...as much as I loved him, I also hate him for everything I'm *still* having to deal with. Part of me wants to call him up just to tell him what a fucking bastardic lying cheating selfish inconsiderate mind-fucking manipulative asshole he is that never deserved me, never treated me with half the respect that I deserved, that I should have left in the first week we were together. Also, that he didn't get away with as much as he thought he did, that I know him better than he knows himself and that I accepted him faults and all but I couldn't stay with him because he loves his faults and his own self-loathing and insecurity more than he loved me.

If he had loved me, he would have told me the truth from the beginning. He's too selfish to do anything else.

Okay. I am so fucking pissed off right now. I had just ranted about this fucking girl who'd grabbed my computer while I was still logged on and had stuff I was working on - my novel!!! - and was all casual like she didn't do anything wrong while I was all worried about what the fuck she'd been doing and then she disappeared. i have nothing missing. None of my work was messed with, from what I can tell. She checked ehr email is what it seems. But I'm pissed. And I feel like my privacy was violated. We have multiple public computers. She could have picked one of the OPEN ONES!!!!! and I'd be fine now.

And when I hit "enter" it switched to the two lines I had written previously and I had to rant about the fact that I hit "enter" and the fucking damn thing deleted everything I wrote about.

Well, the more 'choices' side of life anyway. Things I've noticed since starting University, is I've been scatterbrained about my future career. I've been pidgeon-holing my choices into "psychology" and "liberal arts" and "english". The problem? Well, psychology isn't somehting I've ruled out. I haven't made any decisions yet. But english? What can I do with an English degree? Become a teacher? Could you see me as a teacher? I could do it...but do I really want to be stuck in a classroom teaching english for the rest of my life? No. Though I could probably be one of those really cool english teachers who assign Hamlet for reading and go on vacation to foreign countries over spring break. I'll work as a Dominatrix on the side. And write.

That's another issue: I haven't been able to write anything since the beginning of the semester! I think I'd started the semester slightly depressed. Felt isolated from my friends because we all have our own lives and schedules and they don't always match up to opportunities of hanging *strangles.* I've noticed a difference in my relations with them too. In myself. Like I said, I haven't been able to write a thing since (now that I think about it) before the semester started! I look at my work and the inner critic takes hold of me and I can't seem to write anything new! Nothing but poetry, which was fine, but now I don't evern write that. I haven't given myself time to read anything outside of classes (so no mental break all semester) in order to better focus on school. I know I want to be here. I'm supposed to be here, I can feel it. I know it in my marrow. In the faces of the people I met since the beginning of the semester.

I lack direction and with that lack goes focus and drive. My future because of this seems uncertain. And with that uncertainty goes some of my confidence. This may be the source of that loss indeed...but what can I do about it?

I'm also worried about the coming semesters. Despite my precautions in not reading books not-class-related, I'm behind in all of my classes and need to drop one of them. I have a paper to finish writing by the end of spring break, which at this school is only one week, as opposed to the two weeks at DMACC. I need to finish a book by the end of break aslo, get six labs finished and turned in by the end of today and work on a set of journal entries for Race Relations, also hopefully by the end of spring break. Yay homework. I'm staying home. My inner student says this is a good plan. My inner child says I need to take a break from school and have an actual vacation. Which I can't do. My more practical side says I either need to get a move-on with finding a job, or kick it into high gear and work on making/selling more jewelry. Get the business online. It also says I can't do jack-shit until I kick this cold (which is trying to kick my ass).

I can't go for the degree in english or phychology until I get my associates degree. Which I can't get until I pass two classes this semester. Assuming I'm able to transfer the credits back to DMACC. Even then, I'd like some sort of assurance in job security. With the market going the way it is, what sort of future will I have as an English teacher? As a psychologist? Dominatrix? Hell, if neither the former options are available to me, what the heck can I do with a bachelor's in liberal arts? Goddess please help me find my certainty.

I've got a corset halter-shirt. The boning/ribbing/whatsitcalled is in need of some re-shaping, but I'm not sure of how to do it and I think it is plastic. This is an older shirt, bought long three-to-four years ago at Hot Topic (sue me I don't care I'm tired) but it otherwise is fine. A bra might not be amiss for support though. It really has none and I'm wondering if I could somwhoe fix that.

Also, thank you for the polishing tip, it worked beautifully! I've got a replacement pair of boots until the snow stops falling now, so less need to worrk about frozen/water damage and now an excellent way to keep them in shape.

Hope you are all sleeping beautifully! Goodnight.

Blessed Be-HellfireTwilight

"Why"
Intellect.
Spark.
Arousal.
A flirtation...
Roving expectation-
Face smacked!
Why?
(Does no one ask first?)

"Please"
Let the pain spray like droplets
explode across my back
upon the stroke of the lash.
Forbidden to all, save one.
To whom shall I bestow
this gift of submission?

"Frenzy"
Longing, painful in intensity.
Desire, an ache in my heart.
Blood and blade, a fantasy.
Agony beautifully singing,
my skin parts, weeping sanguine tears.

"Is This Even a Poem?"
My blood burns hot
Slickening my skin with desire.
Few would guess the passion in store
sor the lucky one I wouldn't abhor.

Love is a sort of madness, and unless you have two particularly gentle hearts with the sensitivity to know the slightest ruffle of the others condition, love is not gentle. It sends people careening off the edge into oblivion, floating in passionate and soothing bliss as some even see their fall will end in blood, maiming or in the most unfortunate cases, death. Still they throw themselves...though love is not always gentle there are those who are caught before they hit bottom, taken to wing by those who love them. In this world, such fellows are precious, and how I wish I could guard them from injustice and pain. Even taken to wing, there are still winds to tear them apart, people lose their grip and it really is best to learn flight on one's own, perhaps in unison. Love...tender, aching, tremulous and terrible.

Funny, we're talked to our whole lives about what we want to do, to be when we grow up and you feel like you have the time to figure it out and suddenly I feel like my time is running short. Like we have our whole lives ahead of us but really: this is it! This *is* our lives and we should be living it now, instead of planning for something far-off and to be dreamed about. Ranting, sorry. Carpe diem, apparently!

I'm not sure what I want to do exactly...something spiritual, something to help others realize their fullest potential. But you're right...though english is my best subject, there isn't much more I can be taught as a writer. I've always said I'd be working as a means to support myself while writing...I'll have to see what that is. I beleive you are not your job, nor are you the things you own. In some sense we are our everyday actions and the purposes behind them. How do we define ourselves if not by these ways, which is the way we are taught to do so since we are children? I find myself babbling much in my head as I pour out these philisophical words and seek perhaps to define the meaning of life. But life has the meaning we prescribe to it. This often becomes our jobs...but it doesn;t have to be.

Alright. I've got these hot-as-hell leather pants. I have some awesome shirts to go with them (some long-sleeved silk shirts, tank tops, ets) but what the heck shoes should Iwear with them?!? I haven't any shoes that would do them justice. Not any of my boots (either the wrong color, or suede. Or my matrix-boots that kick ass, but their a little beaten up to look good with these pants), except perhaps one pair of sandal-strappy heels! Help!

Zombies...I have a semi-detailed plan for what I will do when this occurs. I'm going to my friend's house, loading up food, weapons, ammunition, people with multiple skills (one and a half are medics and another is great with hand-to-hand and swordwork, most of them are great shots and could totally handle a zombie-pocalypse). My plan is to take these people and systematically get everyone to Canada.

I'm randomly letting the world know that though I'm not on a particular diet, I am trying to cut sugars...so while the candy bowl is calling to me from across the office, I sit and wonder which has more calories?

Reese's
Hershey's Chocolate
AlmondJoy
or Kit-Kats

The world may never know....or hasn't told me yet at least. They never make that information easily available on Hershey's.com either. Damn them and their money-grubbing ways!

On another note this year Halloween will be awesome! I made my costume and it will kick ass!

What sort of music do you use in scene, if you do use it? I have a tendency to listen to She Wants Revenge, particularly Monologue, Tear You Apart and Sister. Also the songs Pain, Slept So Long, Body Crumbles and Animal I Have Become. These are suggestions, as I haven't really had the chance to use them in-scene.

Any other suggestions?

Ahh, what might have been... With an original running time of well over two hours cut down to just 102 minutes for the eventually-released theatrical cut, Nightbreed is a compromised movie in many respects.
Many of the scenes were cut for pacing reasons, resulting in a rollercoaster ride of a movie at the expense of a good deal of narrative structure, many because certain executives feared audiences would start to root for the "monsters" against the humans (the very point of the movie... it was right there, after all, in the screenplay the studio greenlit...) and many to make way for re-shoots that placed the final movie's focus very firmly on Decker's mass-murderer character.

As a labour of love on our part and drawn from a variety of sources - not least the stunning video footage below, courtesy of best-selling author and all around great guy Craig Spector - we have pieced together two sequences that are otherwise "lost" in the Fox vaults. Until a miracle happens and the long-rumoured and long-dreamed-of footage is rediscovered and presented as a director's cut, here is a brief glance at a couple of Nightbreed's "could have beens".



"Fox has 25 minutes that were taken out of the movie, and they’re somewhere in some huge warehouse that probably looks like the final shot of Raiders of the Lost Ark. They have promised me over and over again that they will do a special edition and I can put the 25 minutes in and so on, but they’ve never done anything about it... I’d really love to restore that material, and there’s plenty of it. There are a bunch of monsters missing, and there was wonderful work in it. There’s a lot of stuff I would like to put back, so the answer is, it’s never gone from my head as something to do. It hasn’t really worked to simply send letters to Fox, or even have my agents ask questions."

http://www.salon.com/opinion/greenwald/2008/09/24/army/

Yeah, this is fucking scary.

Life Is Beautiful lyrics

You can’t quit until you try
You can’t live until you die
You can’t learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can’t breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you’re the joke
There’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don’t
I’ve done things that you won’t
There’s nothing like a trail of blood
to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?